I’ll Avert My Eyes

June 27, 2012 § Leave a comment

I’ll avert my eyes for now. When I see a stroller coming. When I see a father holding his baby. When I see a mother breastfeeding (I probably shouldn’t stare at this anyway). When I get automatic emails from the many baby sites I signed up for online.

Unfortunately, I can’t avert my ears. I hear the neighbor’s tiny children squeaking with their little voices, their tiny independent little selves asserting the world of play. I can’t not hear the baby crying at the park, at the store, at the restaurant, at the church next to my house.

I stay inside mostly. I’m lucky to not be employed right now. Hindsight. I water the flowers and vegetables. I look at the projects I began when I was nesting. The house is a mess. I manage to accomplish the dishes and the cleaning of the kitchen. Most days I make the bed, but sometimes not until the afternoon.

Yesterday evening I forced myself to start my new phone. Jeremy had used my phone to take photos of me and Elias in the hospital. The phone is sacred to me. The phone was in the room when I delivered my dead son. The phone took pictures of that fine moment holding him in my arms. I didn’t want to switch to the new phone. Jeremy bought them the same day I delivered our son. He was sleep deprived. He was grieving. He needed something to do. He called the cell phone company and bought new phones. He was in the rocking chair next to me. I was in the hospital bed, resting. Crying. In shock. Tired. Broken. Empty. And, in pain. I thought to myself, they always say not to make big decisions or purchases while in mourning. I didn’t say anything to him at the time. He needed something to do.

 

While taking a photo of the new phone packaging with my new phone, I accidently bumped the option to face the camera to me. What a fright! I barely recognize myself. I look like I’ve aged 20 years. Too much sun from watering the plants and looks like I could use a shower. Oily, matted hair. Guess I’ll finally shower today and see if I can put on real people clothes. I think I’ve been averting my eyes from the bathroom mirror a bit too long.

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