Dear Universe

December 18, 2012 § Leave a comment

Dear Universe or God or Guides or whomever it is that feels my energy, my thoughts and can make things happen, I’m having trouble talking to you each night before bed since my two recent losses. I prayed or wished or pushed out positive energy as hard as I could and yet I was ignored. None of my wishes came true. None.

I’m most angered by the fact that my dear Otis’s energy doesn’t come to visit me in my dreams. Where did he go? Is he mad at me for allowing the vet to kill him? I don’t feel him at all and I think I should. I thought that our energy changed shape, not that it completely disappeared for good. I find no comfort in anything. No thought can help me heal or feel good about his death. Well, only one thought, the thought that maybe I helped end any suffering he was experiencing or was about to experience.

I cry every night (and occasionally during the day). My ritual, my habit of putting ideas and wishes out into the universe still happens, but I cut it short. I no longer believe any of my thoughts or energy does a damn thing to help the world. I need to pray for my grandma’s shoulder recovery, but I feel you’ll just kill her. I need to pray for health and love to all my family and friends, but feel it will backfire. I need to pray for myself and my new unborn child, but we know how well that worked with Elias. It didn’t.

At least with Elias I was able to feel the energy and his wishes. I saw the future. Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate the early heads up nightmare you gave me about Otis just days before he died. I’m just sad that I can no longer feel much of anything.

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